Black Mulan Butler- Ancient China? REALLY!
by Fillynes
Summary: Grell wakes up rather hungover in ancient China! this world filled with familliure faces and silly songs that Grell mostly ignores! Now, trying to find her way out, she has to find her way out of this world before all the singing drives him/her insane! (contains mild smut and Grells wonderful narration with sarcasm and copious amounts of ignoring the songs!)
1. Chapter 1

-Grell-

I woke up rather dazed and the tiniest bit confused in what I could only assume was a field in ancient China. I put a hand to my spinning head, the heat wasn't helping my dehydration from all the drinking me and Will had done the night before. I think we were celebrating over a hundred of years of reaping… Or was it one hundred souls reaped by a new reaper… The vodka stopped me from remembering… I could hear a voice shouting but I was so hung over I couldn't make out what they were shouting! I lay back and closed my eyes.

"MULAN!" a woman stood over me and shook me awake. I opened my eyes and before me stood Madam Red in a bright red kimono decorated with black and silver flowering patterns. "ah! Glad to see you CAN wake up!"

"Mada-"

"No time for explaining! You're late!" she shouted at me angrily agitating an already unhappy head ache

"Late for what?" I growled

"Why, have you really forgotten?" I stared at her in a grumpy yet violent way I have perfected over the millennia "your appointment with the matchmaker!" She pulled me off the floor and dusted me down.

"Well it's a good thing you're getting a new kimono today! You've ruined this one!" I looked down at the Kimono I was wearing. It was a black Kimono with red and gold detailing… WAS. It was now a rather un-fetching shade of brown and the gold was replaced with pieces of grass and hay. "Come on! Let's go!"

"You still haven't told me where we're going!" I said as she pulled my arm towards a set of buildings

"We're going to get you married!"

"What?!" I shrieked so loudly birds in nearby trees flew off in shock.

"Well it's no surprise! You are of age!"

"I have been of age longer than you have been alive Angelina!"

"That is no way to speak to your mother!"

"MOTHER?!" I yelled louder still (this time dogs barked and a cat in a nearby garden hissed at me for having disturbed its nap)

"Oh do be quiet! We're nearly there!" I hadn't realised how fast we had been walking but she had managed to pull me into the middle of the clump of buildings (which I had now realised was a small Chinese town) and we were making our way to a building that read "bath house" in ancient Chinese characters… I was still too hung over to question how I could read this.

We entered a tatty little front room of the house and waited for someone to come and see us. I wrung my hands nervously.

All I know is I got drunk last night and woke up in ancient China, I'm about to be married off to someone and, oh yeah, Madame Red seems to think I'm Hua Mulan! Calm down Grell, you've been in worse situations. I have to at least ACT as if I knew what was happening, if nothing else to go along with what I could only imagine to be a joke played out in poor taste.

After a short while two people emerged from behind a curtain used to cover the door way. I sat there wide eyed as I looked the two figures up and down. The shorter of the two was a too discreet Alois Trancy. He stood there with his hands on his hips in a purple Kimono with blue detailing around the middle and on the ends of the sleeves. Next to him in a black Kimono also with blue detailing was Claude. He pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. Before I could gather my thoughts strange music began to play.

"What's that music?"

"What music Mulan? I don't hear anything!" Madam Red said confused. Immediately Alois pulled me up from my chair and started singing… great. I tried to drown out what I could of the song while they undressed me behind a screen. It worked until I was pushed into a bath tub filled with freezing water!

"Why is this so cold?!" I asked now a little more sober

"It would have been warm if you'd been here on time"

"Don't patronise me woman!" I yelled back at madam red before my arms were being pulled up and I was being scrubbed down. Alois and Claude then started singing one line after another… This is horrific!

"We'll have you!" Alois started

"Washed and dried, primed and polished"

"Til you die inside"

"What?!" I shouted shocked

"Trust my recipe for death god bride! You'll bring honour to us all!"

Me and madam red walked out into the streets (why am I suddenly clothed?) and my aching head was immediately hit with a wall of sound from a crowd of people singing. I blocked it out best I could, I caught bits of it. I guessed they were singing about how girls should just produce male heirs for the men and soldiers…

We made our way to a building with a sign above it reading "Hair dressers". I'm still not going to question how I can read that.

We entered the building and the music faded away (thank death god!) and we sat in another waiting room. The curtain over the door way was gold this time with Indian patterns on it like red elephants and flowers on it. As we sat there waiting my headache started to fade and I could think clearly again. But before this was of any use to me Soma and Agni burst out from behind the curtain. Soma was in a gold and red robe with black detailing and Agini was in a purple robe with white detailing. They grabbed my arms and pulled me into the next room over… and then the music started again… wonderful ( I know you cannot possibly know this just from the word "wonderful" but I hope you can feel the sarcasm in this sentence!)

They pulled and brushed my hair making my headache comeback. Eventually (still singing of course) they forced my hair into a bun on top of my head…

"You'll need luck!" Soma sang in his thick Indian accent

"And a great hair-do" Agni chimed in

"You'll bring honour to us all!" I was getting sick of hearing that.

I was starting to wonder who was to blame for this ridiculous prank. My questions were soon answered when I walked out to hear the crowd singing

"We must all serve our bo-chan who guards all of our lives! Sebastian his butler keeps death away from our doors!"… I should have guessed.

I was hurriedly pushed into a tailors shop and a new kimono was made and wrapped around me by Lizzy and Pauler. Lizzy was in a bright pink kimono with yellow detailing and Pauler was in Green kimono with purple detailing. They were still singing and drowning out the melody was increasingly difficult. Eventually the singers left and while madam red finished my makeup Alois's servant (Hannah I think her name was) walked into the room holding a cricket cage, a necklace of jade beads, an apple and a pendant. She stuffed the apple in my mouth singing

"An apple for serenity! A pendant for-" I spat the apple into my hand and ignored the rest of rituals until she slapped me on the back saying "and even you can't blow it!"

By now I was starting to get use to the music. As I walked out the shop the music kept playing and I found myself singing

"I don't know where I am! I'm hungover but I have a fan! I must be the best actor I can! Keep my chin up standing tall." However much the melody aggravated my aching head I put in as much dramatic flair as I could into my solo as any good actor would! I was then pushed hastily into a line of girls (I recognised Mei-rin, an Indian girl Soma used to hang around, a young queen Victoria and a young girl I had reaped one time.) all walking towards another building. When we did get there the other girls sat around me holding their parasols towards the door... Why don't I have a parasol? I knelt down with them and heard someone burst through the door in front of us.

"Hua Mulan!" A familiars grating voice shouted. Channelling all my years of acting prowess I stood up and gave a hearty

"Here!" Before me stood undertaker in a black and grey robe holding a checklist and a pink pen. He looked down and scribbled some notes saying

"Speaking without permission..." This might be harder than I thought..,

We entered the building and sat down on two black cushions. On the table between us was a pink tea pot and a bowl filled with... Dog biscuits...

"Here, have a biscuit!" he said cheerfully pushing the bowl towards me. I took a moment to work out if he joking or not... He wasn't. I took a biscuit and gingerly bit at the end. It tasted like pieces of off cut meat, mixed with grass, lemon, milk and vodka... Wait no the vodka was from me trying not to throw up having eaten said biscuit. I tried to cover my gagging with my kimono sleeve (which suddenly felt incredibly heavy).

"Are you alright?" Undertaker asked

"Y- Yes, they're quite delis-" nope, the biscuit taste wouldn't go away. But now the meaty taste was replaced with some kind of rotting and the lemon replaced with dead cat! He placed a cup of earl grey in front of me. I slammed the remainder of the biscuit on the table and gulped down the tea. I let out a satisfied 'ah' sound and gently placed the cup back down.

"Absolutely wonderful" I said giving him my best smile... Death god dammit why does this man have to eat dog biscuits?!

"I see" he said scribbling noted on the paper sipping from his cup which he placed in front of him. "Now, think if this situation: your husband is sad and you don't know what is wrong. He mopes in his chair staining out the window at the rain..." I never realised undertaker could be so poetic! "... What do you do?"

I sat for a moment thinking. I don't intend to have a husband and to be honest the only reason I'm going along with this is I haven't found a way to escape (yet). Thinking about this I suddenly had an idea.

"Well" I ran a finger down the front of my kimono opening the front of it a little to reveal some chest "I think I KNOW how to make any man feel... Better" I leaned forward over the table and ran my finger around Undertakers chin. Leaning forward again I whispered gently in his ear so hot breath tickled his neck "it can't be any fun just being a match maker, how about finding a match?" I went to nibble his ear but knocked Undertaker's cup of tea over all over his lap and landed on... Well, that's R rated ;)

He stood up knocking me backwards, breathing heavily and I could just about see him blushing heavily under his thick fringe. I had just started to do my kimono up again when he grabbed me and through me out of the building shouting

"YOU WILL NEVER BE MARRIED YOU SLUT!"


	2. 2-Lets break the fourth wall (Revised)

-Grell 2-

-?-

I awaken. I am a butterfly~ I fly gracefully in the sky! But in reality I am...

A dragon!

-Grell-

Madame Red dragged me through the town by my ear.

"Oh come on now Angelina! It wasn't that bad!"

"Not that bad! He called you a slut in front of the whole town with a cup on his-"

"I've done worse!"

"Mulan!" She shrieked and tuned to me a face a lovely shade of angry red

"What? At lease he wasn't naked yelling that in front of the entire town!" She raised a hand to slap me but before she could Hannah appeared laughing

"Good show Mulan!"

"Mother?!" Madame red stood dumbfounded at Hannah's laughter.

"I'd always hoped it would be one of my family's that would make that old fart look a fool!"

I couldn't help but wonder why the author had decided to make Hannah my Grandmother...

"Mulan disgraced herself in front of the entire town!"

"And I'm very disappointed in her" Hannah said as she whacked the back of my hand with her hand "but it was a wonderful way to disgrace herself!"

Angelina made a noise that sounded like a frustrated puppy before walking in the direction of a large house.

Hannah and I walked up the hill. Almost all the way I was silent realising not only was I sobering up, but also many of the people I knew here... Were acting strangely out of character! This was either the authors fault or some of the characters were acting like the movie characters rather than themselves to make the story work...

We eventually made it to the house and was immediately greeted with the song 'London bridge is falling down'.

Oh no.

Hannah pushed the door open and there before me was Drussle winding his music box round and round scowling at me.

"Mulan, I think it's best you go spend some time in the garden." I heard Madame red say quietly next to the door. I started walking away quietly. I looked back at the door and I could see Drussle holding back tears... This would have been a very poignant moment is he didn't scare me witless.

The garden was filled with cherry blossoms and a wide variation of flowers. In the middle of the garden was a shrine which I assumed was the family ancestors. Assuming I was in ancient China and that I was Hua Mulan... That meant that in this world there were no death Gods... Strange to think I could be the only death god here.

I walked into the shrine reflecting on this for longer looking around at the mirrors with the names of dead ancestors on them... I sighed as I looked into the largest at the back of the shrine. I wiped half of the make up off on my kimono sleeves... Despite not being a part of this world I still felt the characters feelings. I'm must be an exceptional actor.

"Who is that death god I see? Starring strait, back at me... Why do I have to be, stuck in this world as me?" I slapped myself gently in an attempt to pull myself together.

When did I become so sentimental?! I'm a death god and an actor for Shinigami sake!

I suddenly heard the sound of galloping abs and horses riding up to the house. I looked outside the shrine and saw a wall with a circle shaped hole in it. I snuck over to it and listened in to the voices talking.

"You know he can't go to fight in his state!" Madame red was shouting

"We need every man to come help us with the fight against the Angels!" I heard a man shout (I think it was that grouchy police officer, Lord Randle, that used to annoy Bassy and Ciel)

"My husband cannot fight!"

"He has to!"

"Calm down" WILL?! I peeked round the corner and saw Will talking to Randle and Madame red… shirtless. "There is no need for such a commotion. Your husband or a male in your family is to come fight. Make your decision by noon tomorrow" Will is shirtless!

Will left and Randle reluctantly followed. Madame red fell to the ground crying...

As the afternoon became evening I walked into the house to try and find some food. I eventually found what looked like a dining room. There was a large table with plates all along it. There was only one left with food on it. I looked around incase someone saw me taking their food when

"That food is yours Mulan, stop gawking and eat". I looked behind me and there was Madame red. She looked as if she had been crying again and she looked very angry too. I sat at the table at ate the (now cold) food.

"Listen" she continued as she sat across from me "what happened today... I talked to the matchmaker and... Quite honestly it was his fault" I nearly choked on my food. I quickly had a mouthful of (now iced) tea to clear my throat. "I know, it's not like me to say that. But considering this is you Mulan and the question he asked I'm not all that surprised you answered like that!" I stared at her wide eyed. "Your father is still upset but he will calm in time... Which brings me onto-"

"The war?" The room fell silent again as I said that. The cherry atmosphere Angelina had brought back suddenly faded...

"Yes... Your-"

"Father had been asked to join the army?" She looked at me in confusion

"How-"

"The garden is a very open space, everything echoes and you were shouting rather loudly." She looked embarrassed and hung her head

"I don't know what to do" she whispered. Finishing the food on my plate I decided something... If I'm stuck in this world I might as well act along with it...

"I'll go in his place" I said taking a sip of ice cold tea "I know, I'm a woman and so I shouldn't fight. But I can't just-"

"Mulan you can't!" She shouted over me "this is the war against the ANGELS! Not only are you a woman, you are a child!"

"I've come of age!" I shouted at her

"That is not..." She made that strange frustrated sound again and lay her head on the table. "You are not going and that's final." She growled. I stormed out the room and (with some difficulty) found my bedroom. I slumped on the bed and looked to my side. Amongst the sheets and clothes and knick knacks around the room was something long and shiny. I picked it up... And then immediately dropped it because of its weight. I stood up and picked it up. It was a long sword with intricate engravings on it. Along the gold and bronze hilt were more carvings and engravings along with the words "plot device" written along the handle.

Staring down the hilt of the sword I had a worrying realisation... To make sure I can get out of here and getting to the end of the story...I have to cut my hair off...

Oh death God...


	3. Chapter 3- I'm on a horse

-?-

Wakame…

-Grell-

After much dithering and choosing the shape of my hair, the perfect length to still look amazingly fabulous yet manly enough to pass myself off as a soldier and how on earth I was going to cut my hair with a LONG SWORD! A 43 inch LONG SWORD… That's more than I get on a good night ;)

I looked in the mirror and finally drummed up the courage and started gingerly cutting my hair with the sword… well I tried but the sword was so heavy it fell cutting an uneven line… This simply won't do! I looked around the room and found a small pair of cutting scissors. I started cutting away at my hair apologising to the scraps of hair on the floor as I went.

By the time I had finished I had manage to make myself look presentable… however…

"I look like I'm in the academy again!" I angrily whispered at the mirror in front of me. I grabbed the hair off the floor and put it on the bed- I'd never realised how soft and shiny it was…

I started stuffing it into the top of a kimono from the wardrobe and laid the rest on the pillow to look like my head was there. I looked in the mirror again brushing bits of hairs off of my shoulders.

"Maybe I should change into something… manlier…" I shuddered thinking of the awful army wear I'd seen Lord Randel in earlier today. I can see why will was topless… Oh my~

The sound of footsteps coming down the hall brought me back from my fantasy.

I opened the windows and stepped onto the roof before closing the windows behind me. I could hear the person open my door. I lay against the wall next to the window and held the sword close…

"I'm sorry…" Wow the windows in this house suck "I'm sorry I'm such a useless father" So Drussle does have a soft side.

I didn't dare peek in. I heard him slowly walk out… Phew… I tried pushing the windows open again.

"Huh?" Somehow the window had been locked… "Well Fu-" I slipped on the tiles of the roof and fell into a pile of straw. I sat up relieved I had escaped unscathed. And then the sword narrowly missing my parts landing between my legs. "Talk about a close one!" I shrieked before covering my mouth and looking round. Thankfully I had spent so long on my hair most people were asleep. But Drossle wasn't and if I was going to get out of here HE mustn't find me. Grabbing the sword I ran to a nearby shed looking building.

Going in I smelt hay and manure. I left the door open so I could just about see what was happening around me. The smell of hay and manure was overpowering and I nearly fainted… Seriously it was THAT bad. I stumbled around before backing into a tall sleek black horse.

"Hey" I stared at the horse dumbfounded as it spoke. "What's a pretty little Robin like you doing out at this hour of the night?" Little what? "Come on, let a stallion show you a good time" I don't even… THIS IS MY CHANCE TO ESCAPE!  
"Oh I'll ride you big boy" I'm flirting with a horse "I'll let you see what this mare is made of" I'M FLIRTING WITH A HORSE. I stroked the horses ears and muzzle before pulling myself up onto him and flinging myself so I can ride side-saddle. "HIGH HO SILVER!" I screamed as I kicked in in his sides.

"My name is Drui-"

"I don't care! Just run!"

I had somehow managed to reach the outskirts of the army camp. I looked at my clothes again… I could probably steal some if I got that desperate but Kimonos aren't all that practical. The pervert horse was nipping at the band around my kimono so I slapped his muzzle and went back to staring at the camp.

"Do you need some help young worrier?" A strange voice came from the direction of the horse. I turned to face him scowling but he looked just as confused as I felt. "Come closer" I walked towards the horse and looked around the saddle…

"Is it a bug?" The horse said skittishly"

"I'll have you know!" Laus voice is coming from this thing! "I am a Chinese dragon!"

... What…


End file.
